Just got a phone from Yu, she doesn't want me to go to Korea, she is worried about the Pig Flu and about the visa.
I know her much better- she is just want me to stay with her...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Yu in me
Since the first time, (almost ), I saw Y I knew that this was it- from her side and from mine.
Very hard to explain how she came to my life so instantly, after a day or two she already came with bicycle , shorts and blue sandals, she lied in my bed and farted! I couldn't believe it! How did she dare??
I am so amazed how it happened so quickly , after a month Y already tried to get pregnant I can't really understand why....Did she tried to run from something when she found me? Was it me and was it the shadow behind her....
From my side of course it is not a question , As I wrote before I can't even imagine how is it to live with out her and I can't even think how I lived with her before we were together.
I am not so sure how it is possible but my love ,( actually maybe love is not right word - connection might be more accurate), is so strong for her.
There is nothing in my life that is coming close to how much it is ...It hurts but it is true.
Still I always have a feeling that although she loves me so much,( probably even more than I love her), she is living in a feeling that she is missing something.
That "Life is in another place".
She is in a kind of Limbo: from one hand she loves and jealous and connected and can't live with out me but from the other hand she is yearning for a life that she believes are waiting for her somewhere with someone else. A perfect life without any comprises like she has to face with me.
And I am with her in this situation....So one day is good and the next again troubling and one day we stay forever and the next" lets divorce tomorrow" ...
No understating not the same targets in life , not the same values ,not the same habits and even not the same language!
Probably her English wont be good enough and my Chinese wont be good enough even be able to communicate reasonably!
We are so different, nothing almost the same, and we are so together.
Very hard to explain how she came to my life so instantly, after a day or two she already came with bicycle , shorts and blue sandals, she lied in my bed and farted! I couldn't believe it! How did she dare??
I am so amazed how it happened so quickly , after a month Y already tried to get pregnant I can't really understand why....Did she tried to run from something when she found me? Was it me and was it the shadow behind her....
From my side of course it is not a question , As I wrote before I can't even imagine how is it to live with out her and I can't even think how I lived with her before we were together.
I am not so sure how it is possible but my love ,( actually maybe love is not right word - connection might be more accurate), is so strong for her.
There is nothing in my life that is coming close to how much it is ...It hurts but it is true.
Still I always have a feeling that although she loves me so much,( probably even more than I love her), she is living in a feeling that she is missing something.
That "Life is in another place".
She is in a kind of Limbo: from one hand she loves and jealous and connected and can't live with out me but from the other hand she is yearning for a life that she believes are waiting for her somewhere with someone else. A perfect life without any comprises like she has to face with me.
And I am with her in this situation....So one day is good and the next again troubling and one day we stay forever and the next" lets divorce tomorrow" ...
No understating not the same targets in life , not the same values ,not the same habits and even not the same language!
Probably her English wont be good enough and my Chinese wont be good enough even be able to communicate reasonably!
We are so different, nothing almost the same, and we are so together.
The world is (Mo)flat(a)
Yesterday had a chat with Dror about Israelis living in Romania and coming back home to Israel for the weekend, the fact the joureny takes only 2 hours is more than amazing in historical prospectives.
We spoke about our grandparents and gran grand parents who lived in east Europe for hundreds of years and dreamt about Erez Yisrael , but the distance was so huge! They couldn't even imagine traveling there.
Now everything is so simple, you can get anywhere is the world so fast and so easy, and if you are a member of the global middle class, you can travel anywhere in the world without such an effort.
The thing is that from one hand it is relay fantastic and unbelievable that we can travel so much and so easy, but the other side of the coin is that things are becoming the same and the world is actually becoming too small and boring.
Because of the traveling revolution and the communication revolution places looks so much the same and we the travelers because we travel so much are becoming less sensitive and excited about places we visit. It takes much more if at all - to move us.
I can recall my father describe to me his visits to Japan and America and sixties, everything was so new and exciting to him, the first time he landed in NY and the first time he tasted Ketchup and ate hamburger.
That kind of experince is something that very few people in our world stil have the chance to taste...
We spoke about our grandparents and gran grand parents who lived in east Europe for hundreds of years and dreamt about Erez Yisrael , but the distance was so huge! They couldn't even imagine traveling there.
Now everything is so simple, you can get anywhere is the world so fast and so easy, and if you are a member of the global middle class, you can travel anywhere in the world without such an effort.
The thing is that from one hand it is relay fantastic and unbelievable that we can travel so much and so easy, but the other side of the coin is that things are becoming the same and the world is actually becoming too small and boring.
Because of the traveling revolution and the communication revolution places looks so much the same and we the travelers because we travel so much are becoming less sensitive and excited about places we visit. It takes much more if at all - to move us.
I can recall my father describe to me his visits to Japan and America and sixties, everything was so new and exciting to him, the first time he landed in NY and the first time he tasted Ketchup and ate hamburger.
That kind of experince is something that very few people in our world stil have the chance to taste...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Coming back from India/ Yu so pale
Flying back to China from India ,( with Uzbekistan on the way for 6 hours).
I remember an Israeli guy who was flying with me and our long talk in the airport restaurant in Taskhent , me siting on the bar and him drinking beer while lying on the floor.
After arriving to Beijing I went to eat Jauzie near Beijing Train Station,( WHY? Probably because I waited so long for the moment of seeing Jing Yi so I was afraid it will happen to soon), then taking a taxi home .
Her cousin opened the door , almost surprised to see me, but Jing Yi is out, the mobile off.
The cousine went out to call Jing yi, after a while Jing Yi is coming, with a thin grey dress and sandals coming from the dark ,(it was almost 21 PM).
I taught so much about the moment I was sure it will be so exciting, but she looked almost apatic, and just said she was sure I am coming back only tomorrow.
I looked at Yu and she looked so pale , almost like I watched her from a black and white old TV set.
I remember an Israeli guy who was flying with me and our long talk in the airport restaurant in Taskhent , me siting on the bar and him drinking beer while lying on the floor.
After arriving to Beijing I went to eat Jauzie near Beijing Train Station,( WHY? Probably because I waited so long for the moment of seeing Jing Yi so I was afraid it will happen to soon), then taking a taxi home .
Her cousin opened the door , almost surprised to see me, but Jing Yi is out, the mobile off.
The cousine went out to call Jing yi, after a while Jing Yi is coming, with a thin grey dress and sandals coming from the dark ,(it was almost 21 PM).
I taught so much about the moment I was sure it will be so exciting, but she looked almost apatic, and just said she was sure I am coming back only tomorrow.
I looked at Yu and she looked so pale , almost like I watched her from a black and white old TV set.
From Tibet to ,( Maybe), Korea
My plan to fly to Korea remained YU of my trip to Tibet.
It happened 8 years ago when we just knew each other for a very brief time.
She was already pregnant with Nami ,( everything happened so fast!), and I was determined to travel to Tibet.
I am not so sure when and where I made the decision to travel to Tibet ,( and afterwords to Nepal and India), but I just know that in May - June 2001 I was not ready to give up at all .
I am very sorry I didn't write a diary during that time because now it is even hard for me to imagine what I told my self when I left YU pregnant in the second month and after knowing her only for such a short time.
It looks so crazy from now, I remember even arguing with her about things I don't want to remind myself of, and other things I said and did that I prefer to forget.
By the way one little detail ,( For you Jing Yi - I know you are reading ), is that I loved Yu so much during this trip, that even when I got sick in India I wasn't worried about myself at all, I was just so concerned about meeting Yu again.
And although at some point I didn't know if I am going to get alive from India, I was much much more worried about Yu and seeing her again.
For the first time in my life I loved someone more than I love myself.
It happened 8 years ago when we just knew each other for a very brief time.
She was already pregnant with Nami ,( everything happened so fast!), and I was determined to travel to Tibet.
I am not so sure when and where I made the decision to travel to Tibet ,( and afterwords to Nepal and India), but I just know that in May - June 2001 I was not ready to give up at all .
I am very sorry I didn't write a diary during that time because now it is even hard for me to imagine what I told my self when I left YU pregnant in the second month and after knowing her only for such a short time.
It looks so crazy from now, I remember even arguing with her about things I don't want to remind myself of, and other things I said and did that I prefer to forget.
By the way one little detail ,( For you Jing Yi - I know you are reading ), is that I loved Yu so much during this trip, that even when I got sick in India I wasn't worried about myself at all, I was just so concerned about meeting Yu again.
And although at some point I didn't know if I am going to get alive from India, I was much much more worried about Yu and seeing her again.
For the first time in my life I loved someone more than I love myself.
Back
Didn't write for so long...Doesn't mean I had nothing to write about actually its the opposite...
Monday, April 6, 2009
Today in the morning my hurt was broken...In the middle of my dream I heard Ita cries...I woke up,( by the way I hate to wake up early especially when I still have some time to sleep and someone is waking me up crying).
I was angry about him and after a warning smacked him. He was crying in any case because he wanted to change his trousers, but Yu told me that last night he said that he loves Mami Ayi and Sister when she asked him about Dadi he said that I am HUI DAN- means bad.
She asked why and than he said illustrating with his fingers that : a) I use computer all the time b) I pray all the time c) I don't play with him d) I beat him.
I turned my had around put it in the pillow and almost cried.
He relay broke my hurt and from the right reason. I don't give enough attention to my children. And the real sad thing that I am not doing it for the wrong reasons, I am waisting my time doing bullshit.
For example for years I used to spend hours reading Haaretz newspapers on line every day.
This precious time had to be spent on my children , but this time is wasted for ever, and it hurts me so much.
Actually it was even worse, With Nami in the first years of her life I almost didn't give any attention to her, in recent years I changed allot and now I am giving much more attention to Nami and Ita, but it is still far from enough.
I was angry about him and after a warning smacked him. He was crying in any case because he wanted to change his trousers, but Yu told me that last night he said that he loves Mami Ayi and Sister when she asked him about Dadi he said that I am HUI DAN- means bad.
She asked why and than he said illustrating with his fingers that : a) I use computer all the time b) I pray all the time c) I don't play with him d) I beat him.
I turned my had around put it in the pillow and almost cried.
He relay broke my hurt and from the right reason. I don't give enough attention to my children. And the real sad thing that I am not doing it for the wrong reasons, I am waisting my time doing bullshit.
For example for years I used to spend hours reading Haaretz newspapers on line every day.
This precious time had to be spent on my children , but this time is wasted for ever, and it hurts me so much.
Actually it was even worse, With Nami in the first years of her life I almost didn't give any attention to her, in recent years I changed allot and now I am giving much more attention to Nami and Ita, but it is still far from enough.
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