A way

I was planing to write this piece yesterday and everything was already organized in my head, but now when I am sitting in front of the computer it is hard again to describe it, I have to think it all over again.
Basically what I am trying to describe is the fact that probably I am not the right guy to run a family life, or any normal life at all.
I am lazy corrupted and more than anything else concentrated in my self and in what I find interesting and exciting to satisfy me desires and I don't care about any one around me , especily the closest .
It is very sad and disappointing but that's my life.
If I have to choose something that makes me happy and "my self" more than anything else it is probably going to a new place for the first time.
Seeing things I never saw before and walking by my self , as a total stranger in a new space.
No one knows me , I am alone, no responsibilities ,small money in my pocket, and I am walking walking....Smiling to a beautiful girl , eating a cheap snack in the street and living in my own reality.
busy doing "new" things , meeting " new people "and seeing " new places".
Before I was sure I love my wife, many times lying in bed seeing her sleeping I taught to my self that she is more important to me than myself...Maybe it was truth when it happened , but I am not so sure at all, I am so selfish, and that's probably just what I felt comfortable to think that moment.
The bottom line that I am bad and don't have much moral standards when it comes to people that are relay close to me,( actually for people that are less close I am more or less ok).
I don't know where I am going to lead my self , but I am grateful for what I got so far....It is much more than I deserve.
Still I feel I am not happy, first because hurting so many people in your life is bad and second because I am not doing what I should do.
I think I have a potential to do something good in this life, I just not sure what and how.